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10 Things I’ve Learned from TV

Being an avid TV watcher, I have honestly started to learn some things that I probably would have never learned through any other piece of media. Here is a list of 10 Things I’ve Learned from TV: The list is in no particular order

10. Be nice to your childhood friends. If not they will somehow try to kill you; most likely when you least expect it. You won’t remember who they are until they personally say “Do you remember me?” and then you’ll experience an extremely specific flashback (including music). Your childhood friend/enemy will die in a freak accident, but you will blame yourself.

9. You can walk away from deadly impacts. Fall a few stories only to break your fall on a windshield? You’ll be fine, and most likely catch whoever you were trying to get. This also goes for breaking through windows and or dry wall.

8. Being shot isn’t that bad. Take a couple bullets in the chest, maybe a few in the arm and top-it-off with a fall through a broken window. You’ll get up and kill the perp with a single shot to the head. After killing the criminal, you will fall to your knees.

7. All CSI’s have super vision. Becoming a CSI means you will see anything including fine hairs, powders, and even the what kind of food the suspect has in his teeth. No need to use the expensive* equipment the government has bought for you.

6. The police don’t have to follow the law. Nope. They can harm any suspect including women and young children, they feel needs it. I’m in total agreement with these guys, brutality is the best policy. Break a finger or give them a black eye, it’s egdgy, it’s life.
5. The government has no budget. That $40,000+ Hummer that’s only used sometimes is a justified purchased. Turning an unknowing women into a robotic killing machine easily outweighs the millions of dollars they could have used on something else. I’m not even going to get into the beach side headquarters these agencies are housed in.

4. It’s never just the flu. The patient with the weird symptoms doesn’t have something normal, but a horrible disease caused by inhaling toxins produced by boiled cat feces. There is usually a cure, but it’s at the cost of your family hating you after they learn of your secret. “Maybe I would be better off dead?”

3. Only eat brand name foods. No one on TV ever buys the off-brand selection of foods. Even the poor people buy more expensive food than the average American does. What happened to shopping at Winco? Well, I’m going to drink a Coke and have a bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes

2. It never snows a little. The saying “When it rains, it pours” has inspired countless snowed-in episodes. Usually the episodes involves somebody freezing to death. That’s what I call great TV.

1. Where did the common sense go? Running into any room without thinking is the only way to do it. Find some case-breaking evidence that will put the suspect in jail for life; only to have it contaminated because you forgot to put your gloves on. Don’t worry though, the newly acquitted guy will try to kill you in a later episode. Luckily, you push him out of a window and you head home (with some snazzy music is playing).

Flickr pictures by Broma, Beige Alert